More prep.

Ok. So we are down to two sleeps.

Some things that are on my mind:

• I can't wait for this to be done.
• I don't ever want to wait like this again.
• I'm so flippin' tired.
• I wonder how I'll feel when surgery is actually happening.
• I don't want to talk about this anymore.
• I really want to talk about how I am feeling.

Yeah, I am kinda torn.

I am mostly just ready for this to be done. Tonight has been a busy night with friends (so appreciated) and we will be ready for bed soon. Matt will work tomorrow, I and I've got a friend keeping my busy tomorrow. We'll see how it goes. Tomorrow, we will give Piper her last shot of 0f G-CSF, which as been going really well, by the way. I feel I am improving with every shot.

Here is the calendar the hematology nurse made up for us.

I guess I took this picture earlier in the week, as only part of the week is ticked off. It is amazing to me that so much time has already passed. I mean, in this week, this month, this baby's life! This very event has been coming for so long now. And we are already almost on Monday!

Here are some more friends that we will be packing along for the hospital stay.

This rhino is a good friend, and we happen to have two of them. I am not sure why she likes him so much. But really, with a smile that that, how could anyone not love him?

And of course, she loves the thing that is not really meant to be the real toy. But this gate/fence piece is a major hit. There are a few pieces, so I try to keep a piece in my purse for emergencies. Don't know why, but she loves the little piece of fence. Hey, if it makes her happy, I am happy!

And this is the "it" toy of the day. Her Great-Gram gave her this one. Again, with crazy hair like that, how could you not love this guy? We like to think Piper can relate to this guy, with one wild tuft of hair on top. That and he is pretty small, so he fits so nicely in her hand. Yoink!

I thought I would share this prayer that our dear friend sent to Piper. He is far away at the moment, but it was really so perfect. More than perfect, which is what scripture is meant to be, I suppose.

So I was just going to open up and say a prayer from Psalm 139 inserting Piper into it, intending to start midway where it begins to talk about 'you knew me in my mother's womb'... but vs.1 grabbed my attention. Clearly the beginning is important!

vs. 1 "O Lord, you have examined Piper's heart and know everything about her."

vs. 4 "You know what Piper is going to say even before she says it, Lord." - and now the rest of us know that of course those words were "Uh-Oh".

And now to where I originally meant to begin, God's Words over Piper. My prayer over Piper:

vs. 13-18.
"You made all the delicate, inner parts of Piper's body and knit her together in her mother's womb. Thank you for making her so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous - how well we all know it.... You saw Piper before she was born. Every day of her life was recorded in your book.... How precious are your thoughts about Piper, O God. They cannot be numbered!..... And when SHE WAKES UP, you are still with her!"

Thank you all for your prayers, thoughts and kind words. They help in ways you can't really understand. I don't even really understand it... but this is all pretty amazing.

Date night = success!

Hoorah! We got out and we even had a good time. Bonus!

A late dinner and then a movie (Alice in Wonderland 3D- pretty fun!). It was all good.

We just went to White Spot for dinner (we really hadn't been there in a long time, and it was just good comfort food that we both knew), and even saw some friends there, and they graciously took this picture of us. I don't normally do this, but I thought this was somewhat momentous.

Anyways, we talked about a bunch of stuff, including a somewhat distant-future bathroom reno. It was nice :)

Movie was also good. A really fun one to see. The lady behind me kicked my chair a rude number of times, so I had to lower my cool 3D glasses and tell her it was time to stop. Geesh. Grown women sometimes can be such a nuisance. (wait a second...)

We got home after 12am, good and tired, but full of smiles. It was pretty relaxing.

Our friends who were watching Piper had an interesting evening of a very awake baby who had a massive poop and just some crankiness. But I am just glad we got out. Piper will get over one crazy night. And so will we.

Today I went with my sister to get hair cuts and our nails done! How girly can you get? (yes, we even picked up Starbucks on the way home)

Here is the new do:

I asked the hairdresser to go as short as possible while I could still put my hair behind my ears. Done. I always love my hair done by this lady :) It is pretty short at the back, but I am happy. And my nails are done a nice happy, grown-up pink/fuchsia.

Anyways, must go! Piper just woke up from a very short nap. Oh man, I might need one of those...

Thinking about packing...

I started making a detailed list today about things to pack for when we are at the hospital. Pretty basic, I guess, but still, I am trying to be as thorough as possible.

Here are some big items:

Piper's blankie:

Now, as of yet, she isn't a big blankie baby, but I think home comforts are important when you feel not quite yourself. This one will smell like her bed and all things associated with sleepy time.

This blankie is pretty darn special. My mom (Piper's Gram) made it for Piper, though it was started a long time before Piper was even around. When we lost our first baby, my mom came down to visit and support us through that time, and on one of our trips out we went to the fabric store (mom is a big time quilter- she keeps saying she is a "beginner". Don't believe her). They had an awesome flannel section and I fell in love with this pattern. Mom said she would buy it and get a blankie ready for the next baby, because "they'll be another baby". It was a sign of the future and of hope and of one day having a special little monkey to cuddle up in it. It was great to look ahead in such a dark time.

And now I do have a little monkey who sleeps with this blankie every night and every nap time. and I think she'll truly love it one day, though she might never really understand what it also means to me.

Another big item will be her soother:

Piper has been a soother baby since day one. It was during one of her first tests, maybe an ECG, that the nurse asked Matt (as I was still recovering in our hospital room) if she could give her a soother, as she needed her to not cry during the test. Piper took to it right away, and has been a devoted soother-baby ever since.

I know there is some controversy around soothers, but we love that Piper takes one. Whether or not she'll give it up before she's 16 or not, well, we'll cross that bridge when we get there. Honestly, we've got bigger things to worry about than whether or not she'll have a hard time giving it up.

This soother we have now is just super cute, with a little cat face on it, and little whiskers. The soother doesn't always work, but when it does, it really does. So we'll bring that for sure. We might bring a few... just in case.

Some other not-so-obvious things that I want to bring are:

• our latest photo album, so we can show Piper pictures of all the people who love her, and how much she's grown in the last while.
• her toothbrush and "training" toothpaste. Kinda keep forgetting that with teeth comes oral hygiene. Dang. One more thing to remember.
• nail clippers. We can get them nice and trimmed up while she is really dozy.
• pillows for us. I've heard that they kinda suck at the hospital, as they are all wrapped in plastic. I think we'll bring some of our blankies, too.
• my crafty bag. I've got a few little projects that just take time, and two hands, and I think I will have both of those for a few days. So I might as well be getting them done.

Anyways, there are lots of other things to bring, but I won't bore you with all of it.

Today, I am feeling a little more up than some other days. I think the sun might be helping a bit. It's so nice out there! I've really appreciated the support from everybody and I am really starting to feel this love that is coming our way. That means so much.

And tonight Matt and I are taking off, like two normal adults, on a date! Nothing fancy, just getting out without baby! Maybe we'll go to the beach or something... Not sure. Sometimes its nice to not have too much planned. We'll see what we feel like when we get going. I'll let you know how it goes :)

Long days.

These last few days are becoming pretty long... I don't mean to mope, but, well, I am moping. I feel a little bit trapped but trying not to let it sink in too bad.

Last night was not a stellar night for me. My eyes just wouldn't shut when it was sleep time. I ended up watching a whole movie and crawling into bed sometime around 1am. So today I am paying for it. Piper was up a few extra times, too... of course. She might be picking up on my anxiety. I really should try harder to just relax. This isn't helping anyone. Bah.

So my retail therapy wasn't all that therapeutic today. I went to the mall bright and early, but Piper really doesn't love being in the stroller sitting still for long. So I have to keep moving. I ended up getting gifts for people, a totally cute rain jacket for Piper's next spring and some flip flops for Matt. Nope. Nothing for me. I looked hard, too, but I couldn't find anything that caught my eye. Oh well.

I go for a haircut and manicure on Saturday, and I am thoroughly looking forward to that. I want to feel as though I look my best for this next little stint. I know it's kinda vain, but I know I feel more confident and positive when I feel confident and positive about myself.

I just don't want to do this part. You know that feeling at the end of labor and you just think "ok, can I be done now? I'm done. Can I go home?", but you know you have to finish... I kinda have that antsy feeling right now. I just don't want to do these next few days. Even with my filling them with things to do, I am anxious and not feeling great. That is probably not helped by the fact that I have had brownies for lunch two days in a row, and all I want to eat otherwise is Kraft Dinner.

I feel like I am almost purposefully not taking good care of myself at the moment. I feel like I am bringing some of this gloom upon me by not doing enough to counter it.

But I found this bear while reading through some of the pre-op paper work, and he seems pretty happy about all of this. I like his BCCH t-shirt.

I know I'll get through this, and I also know these next few days are going to be rough. But let us look ahead! Focus!

This is Piper's timetable, sorta, for the day of surgery:

And yes, that means her last feed will be around 3am or so, and then nothing else until after surgery. That will be the last time I breastfeed her for a few days. Wow. She will still be getting my milk, but I won't be able to physically BF her for while, depending.

Anyways, we'll arrive at BCCH for 7am (leaving our house, maybe just after 6am? last time we ended up leaving earlier than we though just because Piper woke up and was furious to not be eating and going back to sleep, so that car was the only place we thought was smart to go) and then she will be heading into the operating room just before 8am.

And we'll go from there.

We had a nice mini-picnic today, just a snack, but brought out the blanky and just sat outside. It was really nice and Piper seems to really enjoy the outdoors. And finding weeds and bits of things in the dirt. She'll show them to me and then stick them in her mouth before I have time to stop her.

I think it's one of the cutest things to see your baby with dirt under their finger nails. It means they were really playing.

Just waiting.

Tonight, I am kinda nervous.

More like anxious.

Kinda starting to feel sick... with worry that is, not illness.

I am just dreading these next few days. I just want to jump ahead in time and be done with all of this waiting. I really wanted to go to the library today, but I just couldn't, as I imagined all the snotty kids who are on Spring Break, just oozing their sickness over all the books that Piper would pick up. Paranoid? Yes.

Tomorrow I'll get out to my favorite store and do some shopping. Just for me. (though every mother knows, the kid always ends up getting something... as hard as I try not to)

On Friday, we are going out on a date. I don't know what, or where, I just know it will be Friday. And it will be fun.

Then Saturday we start giving Piper round 2 of G-CSF, which we'll continue until Monday.

I am starting to feel the weight of this experience kinda push down on me right now.

So I guess this G-CSF stuff is working...

Ok. Speedy fast update!!!

Saturday neutrophils: 2.4

Monday neutrophils: 8.11

= G-CSF is working and we don't need to give the fourth dose. Piper is responding just as they expected her to and we will give her the medication again starting Saturday, then Sunday and Monday prepping for surgery.

Hospital day was pretty fast. It was our shortest visit yet, and we paid for full day of parking. Of course.

Piper got blood drawn for her pre-op stuff (a bit more blood than normal), though they forgot to fill a vial, so we had to come back and get poked again. Not fun. Have I mentioned the "blood collection" clinic is the only ramshackle part of BCCH? Oh, but the waiting room got new chairs today. Ok, that makes it all better. Right.

Being done at lunch time, and seeing as it was too late for Matt to go back to work to get anything done, we took the day "off" and went to Granville Island! It was so awesome. We got lunch at Safeway (which meant panini's, chocolate milk, yogurt, donuts. DOn't just me. We were on holidays) and brought it down to the docks and ate it watching the birds and people and listening to the man playing his flute thing to the canned music. It was pretty magical.

Then we took the Olympic Line train to, well, no where in particular and then just rode back... just to say we did it. We did it!!

Then off to my sister's and Matt's brothers for din-din (and Matt checked out his bro's cool school project). After dinner (= yummy goodness), Piper was meandering around and all of a sudden, she took a step from one of the chairs to the table. Say whhhaaaa? We all kinda saw it and just were kinda in awe. It came out of nowhere. But then, she was going back and forth between my sister and I, with some pretty drunk and squiggly steps/lunges, but they were all on her own. Matt got some on video... I'll try to get them for another day.

Ok, so Piper did some serious growing up today. Maybe she just needed more neutrophils to walk. Riiiight. I'll tell the doctors that one. They'll like it.

Oh yes, and somewhere in there, my phone just stopped working. Luckily it was after we had talked to the heme nurse, but still! Just dead. Pressed all the buttons, held all the buttons, talked nicely to it, plugged it in. Just dead. Or in a comma. Not sure yet. We'll give it the night.

Busy day. But we are feeling pretty good. Baby and Daddy are in the tub now, hopefully getting ready for a nice night, but who knows. I just hope that was our last hospital trip until next Tuesday at 7:45am, when we will be there for surgery. Wow. Only 8 sleeps. Kinda surreal. But it's coming.

Shot 3/3 done!

Ok. I am getting better and better all the time.

Shot #3 is done. We go to BCCH tomorrow to see how levels look and whether or not we give her one more shot.

Last night Piper seemed to be in a bit of pain, just kinda squirmy pain, so we finally gave her some tylenol and she slept solid after that. Poor baby. It must be hard growing extra neutrophils.

I'll let you know how things go tomorrow!