Reluctance... 15 days.

Today I am just reluctant to get started on this. It's like I don't want to say any of these things out-loud because it makes them more real. It might be because I am still tired, or because I am just tired of talking about this impending surgery. I don't know. I'll only do as much as I feel like today. This is the hard part. The rest of the section of this chapter is all recovery, which is a bit more inspiring.

Ok. Here we go.

What will happen during the surgery?:

So everything is plugged in and working properly, the surgeon will make a cut over Piper's breastbone (sternum).

Now, since this will be open heart surgery, they will need to stop the heart to properly work on it. Totally makes sense. Totally makes me freak out.

This is where the heart-lung machine (HLM) kicks in. This part, I still don't get; how they plug her into this machine... I will have to ask about that. Boggles my mind.

They say that the heart is stopped with a medication called cardioplegia, and then once the surgery is done, she is slowly weaned off of the HLM, so eventually, her own heart will be pumping again. They also say that she will need the help of the ventilator for a few hours or a few days after the surgery.

The crazy thing is that her heart will actually stop beating for a time. Who can say that they've had that happen? This is another one of those moments when you just have to marvel at modern medicine. Like, seriously, jaw-dropping, pants-pooping, awe-inspiring marvel at what they can do on such a little person.

How many times can you say Thank You God, for letting my baby be born in this day and age, so that these amazing things can be over come? How many times can you say Thank You God for letting me and my family be born in this country, with all of our modern advances and money, and infrastructure and security? My heart literally hurts thinking of how much I have been blessed with, while a good portion of the world has hurting hearts due to loss of family and property and a bright looking future. Why is there such an imbalance? And how do I deal with this?

Anyways...

This is one of those things that I can't fully imagine. I have a feeling I won't really recognize my baby immediately after surgery. She might still be sleeping, and she'll have all of these foreign things coming out of her, and sounds, too, that it might not even seem real.

I remember Piper's face after her angiogram, and she hardly looked like herself then. Her mouth was droopy and her eyes were vacant and I seriously had to do a double take to make sure this was the right baby. I can only imagine this being amplified after this much more serious operation.

I'll just take it one step at a time. I'm sure I'll just be so overjoyed to finally be seeing her, that it won't even matter what she looks like.

I think that is all for today. Today, I don't feel like thinking about this.

This weekend we are planning on trying to move my office downstairs... possibly. I'll try to get a bit of paint so I can paint that space and clean it out and then we'll move my desk (rather large) and things down there. I feel like I can't really get any of my own business endeavors going in my present situation- everything is a mess and all over the place. Plus this room is also kinda a guest room, and its always been the "I'm not sure where this goes? Put it in the office" room. Hmmm... I am hoping a nice thorough clean up can help get things on their way.

I have to start thinking about what I want this next little while to look like, whether I want to try going back to work or really get my own thing going. I've got such motivation, but so little time to get this going.

And here we go again. Baby just woke up!