Long days.

These last few days are becoming pretty long... I don't mean to mope, but, well, I am moping. I feel a little bit trapped but trying not to let it sink in too bad.

Last night was not a stellar night for me. My eyes just wouldn't shut when it was sleep time. I ended up watching a whole movie and crawling into bed sometime around 1am. So today I am paying for it. Piper was up a few extra times, too... of course. She might be picking up on my anxiety. I really should try harder to just relax. This isn't helping anyone. Bah.

So my retail therapy wasn't all that therapeutic today. I went to the mall bright and early, but Piper really doesn't love being in the stroller sitting still for long. So I have to keep moving. I ended up getting gifts for people, a totally cute rain jacket for Piper's next spring and some flip flops for Matt. Nope. Nothing for me. I looked hard, too, but I couldn't find anything that caught my eye. Oh well.

I go for a haircut and manicure on Saturday, and I am thoroughly looking forward to that. I want to feel as though I look my best for this next little stint. I know it's kinda vain, but I know I feel more confident and positive when I feel confident and positive about myself.

I just don't want to do this part. You know that feeling at the end of labor and you just think "ok, can I be done now? I'm done. Can I go home?", but you know you have to finish... I kinda have that antsy feeling right now. I just don't want to do these next few days. Even with my filling them with things to do, I am anxious and not feeling great. That is probably not helped by the fact that I have had brownies for lunch two days in a row, and all I want to eat otherwise is Kraft Dinner.

I feel like I am almost purposefully not taking good care of myself at the moment. I feel like I am bringing some of this gloom upon me by not doing enough to counter it.

But I found this bear while reading through some of the pre-op paper work, and he seems pretty happy about all of this. I like his BCCH t-shirt.

I know I'll get through this, and I also know these next few days are going to be rough. But let us look ahead! Focus!

This is Piper's timetable, sorta, for the day of surgery:

And yes, that means her last feed will be around 3am or so, and then nothing else until after surgery. That will be the last time I breastfeed her for a few days. Wow. She will still be getting my milk, but I won't be able to physically BF her for while, depending.

Anyways, we'll arrive at BCCH for 7am (leaving our house, maybe just after 6am? last time we ended up leaving earlier than we though just because Piper woke up and was furious to not be eating and going back to sleep, so that car was the only place we thought was smart to go) and then she will be heading into the operating room just before 8am.

And we'll go from there.

We had a nice mini-picnic today, just a snack, but brought out the blanky and just sat outside. It was really nice and Piper seems to really enjoy the outdoors. And finding weeds and bits of things in the dirt. She'll show them to me and then stick them in her mouth before I have time to stop her.

I think it's one of the cutest things to see your baby with dirt under their finger nails. It means they were really playing.